2017-18 Toronto Maple Leafs Season Eulogy

I know that there’s been radio silence from me regarding the Toronto Maple Leafs since Wednesday’s crushing Game 7 loss. Well I’ve had a few days of soul searching and have decided that I’m going to continue wallow in misery because… well… I’m a Leafs fan. Of course there are reasons to be optimistic about the future of this young Leafs team. Forget that noise. All I know is that I’m miserable now and will probably be miserable tomorrow.

For full dramatic effect, hit play on the video above and read to the music.

On Wednesday April 25, 2018, the Toronto Maple Leafs’ season, a season that started out with so much promise, had the life extinguished from it far too early. There are many words used to describe the 2017-18 Toronto Maple Leafs: young, exciting, promising. The team finished with a team record 105 points with a 49-26-7 record. They entered the playoffs with the NHL’s 6th best record and finished 3rd in the Atlantic Division. But in the end they were, as always, disappointing.

The 2017-18 Leafs died as they lived: heavily outshot by their competition. In the end their demise was at the hands of a sleuth of bears from the greater Boston area. Early police reports indicate that this manslaughter can be linked to a similar incident from the hot dog-filled horror show of 2013. The alleged ringleaders with connections to both the 2013 and 2018 investigations–known by the aliases “Rat Face”, “Frank J. Selke Jr.” and “The Rather Large Z”–continue to evade authorities.

Possible accessories to crime include: a pair of twin brothers known to the general public CORSI and Fenwick, cyber bullying implications from obnoxious Boston Bruins Masshole Twitter, Nazem Kadri’s alter-ego “The Cross Check Killer”, that wily bastard Renee Rancourt, and–while I can’t exactly connect the dots–I just know that Phil Kessel, Dion Phaneuf and James Reimer were somehow at fault.

Among the many casualties, some notable victims include the Babcock-Matthews relationship, Fredrik Andersen (AKA the best goalie on the planet according to Don Cherry), Toronto’s moral high-ground, Lou Lamoriello’s last season (?) and a sickly blueline that was already on life support. Presumed dead but currently not found is Jake Gardiner’s game. For any information on Gardiner’s whereabouts contact 1-800-RANDYCARLYESDOGHOUSE.

The 2017-18 Toronto Maple Leafs will be sorely missed by their younger MLSE brethren. While the older Leafs organization had rested on their century old laurels, the younger Raptors and TFC teams have found new ways to build expectations only to rip your heart out. The Toronto Argonauts, the forgotten brothers of the MLSE family, continue to dutifully play in front of rows upon rows of empty bleachers. And the step-brother Toronto Blue Jays–from the Rogers side of the family–do their damnedest to stay relevant in this cruel Yankees-Red Sox world that we live in.

Any donations are to be sent to the “Re-sign JVR Fund”. Thoughts and prayer to Toronto’s future cap space and the future contract negotiations for Auston Matthews, William Nylander and Mitch Marner. Don’t cry because it’s over (this year that is), smile because it (breaking regular season records, the young players that broke out, the flashes of elite potential for the future) happened.


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